This Feeling That Only The Lonely Know
by Ricco Ragazza
Summary: A depressing fic about being lonely and abandoned.


This Feeling Only The Lonely Know

This Feeling That Only The Lonely Know

By Ricco Ragazza

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the characters, duh.

**AN~** Well, this story came from a poem I wrote a while back. I hope you like it!!! Please, remember to review! And feel free to **e-mail me: [riccoragazza@aol.com][1]** with anything you'd like to say! :-) Thank you for reading!! Sorry, short disclaimer and Authors note tonight, I'm not in themood to write a big long one like I usually do!

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**This Feeling That Only The Lonely Know**

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**~By Ricco Ragazza~**

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This is the feeling that only the lonely know; it's an unmistakable feeling deep down in the dark depths of your soul. I hope you never have to feel it, because it is the most awful feeling in the entire universe, I am sure of that. It is a cold feeling; a gray and dark one, too. Your heart turns as dark and gray as a winter snow storm, and twice as cold. It pulls your heart down to your knees; then bends your knees, and makes you beg for a way out. I pray that you never feel it, I really do.

It makes you feel low, hopeless, and tired. It almost hurts, but not quite, maybe if it hurt it would go away faster, it's deeper than pain. It is so awful, you want to be happy, but it isn't possible. You aren't in control of your emotions anymore, it makes you want to scream till your throat aches and find a way out. Your head screams at your heart to be happy, but you heart is stuck in your knees, and won't come back up.

Then there is the incessant crying, the worst part for me. One minute you are fine, you think you've gotten over everything, but it comes back, and much worse than before. You start crying for no reason; then your mind makes up reason for your heart to feel better. You wallow in self pity, and you can't get out and start to drown. Your heart cries about anything, and you feel utterly worn out and down. You swear each time to yourself that those will be the last tears, but they never seem to come to an end.

The tears sting your cheeks and turn them red, your eyes get baggy and swell up, and your chest aches, yes, I know why they call it a heart-ache now. Life doesn't seem worth living anymore, yet-yet you are afraid of dying. You don't want to live, and you don't want to die, you can't win anymore. Nothing you do makes you feel any better, and it starts to kill you from the inside out. Your whole mind frame changes, and it takes away your former self. Its like, your in someone else's body and they are torturing you with these evil emotions.

In a room of people, you feel torn apart from them. Your not connected anymore, torn apart from the rest of the universe, even to some of those people who are closest to you in your life. They try their best to help you, but there efforts only make you sink deeper into depression. Your head ask why this had to be you. What did you ever do that was so bad to deserve such a fate? Your mind and heart agree on one thing, that it is definitely someone else's fault. You curse the person who did this to you, and you heart only has room for two emotions: hate and sorrow. 

Sometimes, on the good days, you can bear to do things such as read notes from the people who hurt you. Tears fall from your eyes and hit the notes, and your vision is blurry as you stare at the hand writing that once made your heart sing. As you think of past happiness, your heart screams: Why did it all have to end? You mind replies: Because you never stopped them from going, it's all your fault and you know it. You become your own worst enemy and critic. You torture yourself beyond all belief. 

The days all go by so fast, by the time you look around it's been almost a year. Everyday makes way for the next, each day never changing. The pain gets unbearable, and you really want a way out. You have lost everything, what holds you back? Yes, and that bring me to now; even now I feel no different.

I wish I could go to a planet, far away from here, and live my life over again, start fresh. Maybe, someday, I would forget my past life of glory and defeat. I just wish I were normal, ever since I was small, I've just wanted to be normal. Maybe, I wasn't meant to be normal…but that thought makes me angry, who has the power to decide my fate? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Why couldn't I have a happily ever after? What have I ever done to deserve this?

I don't know where I went wrong, I really don't. I ask myself everyday, but I am now more close to an answer than the first day I asked myself. How could something like this happen and life still go on? I don't understand it all. I have lost everything I ever wanted, ever needed, ever dreamed of. How can anyone wake up in the morning with a smile on their face in this kind of universe?

I never thought people really changed. I mean deep down in their souls. I believe that we are born with a soul, and our heart and minds sometimes get in the way of what our soul wants. Our minds are greedy, and our hearts selfish; but our souls, they are another story. Maybe, in the end, I will be happy. But, the end is so far away, and I don't think I can make it, I don't know if I am strong enough now.

I hate myself for loving them, why can't I just forget it all and be happy again? No matter how hard I try I can't shake this feeling, it won't go away. I don't know why, I just can't shake it no matter what I do. Loneliness rules my life now, even if I am surrounded by people; I am in a hell, a hell I have made for myself.

Maybe I should put an end to this; the hurting, the pain, the crying, all of it. I am just so tired. People who look down upon people who commit suicide have never felt like this, and if they have, they are either crazy, very strong, or they have forgotten the feeling. 

Once, when I was younger, about fourteen, a great Jedi told me something. It has stuck with me over the years, I don't know why exactly. He told me that all life was suffering, and that it shapes us, makes us who we are. He said that the strong survive, and the weak fold in and crumble. I wonder now, where that great Jedi is when I need him the most. He sure isn't with me. I need someone to make me strong, because I can't do this alone anymore, I can't hold on, its too painful.

I've made my decision, and I have no choice. You probably don't understand, but, I'm not asking for you to do so. Some of people are too weak, and they need others behind them to push them forward, I was never one of them before now. I always looked down upon them, I never sympathized. I do now, because I understand, I understand the pain and all that comes along with it. My total respect goes to those of you who can make it through the hard times, but please, don't disdain those of us who can't. Maybe, we weren't born with the will power to face situations like these, that try us to the max. 

Yet-yet I feel is was born with the strength. I feel that, I feel that when I feel in love that I gave my strength, my heart, and my soul. When he left me, he took those qualities with him, so now I am barren and empty. Maybe, maybe he'll need those qualities one day, maybe he needs them with him, maybe someday he'll make a decision with them that will change the universe…I would hope so, because I am making a decision right now, that is going to change my universe. Goodbye, and please remember, I didn't want it this way.

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**EN~ Like it? Love it? Hate it? Give me your comments and suggestions!!! IF YOU ARE READING THIS ****PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE**** REVIEW!!!! It would help me out a lot!!! I'd like to thank everyone who has been reviewing my stories, Laura, Bec, Becca, mishi and everyone else! Thank you soooo much!!!!!**

   [1]: mailto:riccoragazza@aol.com



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